Remember back in the day they had those invention contests? Spunky little kids from all over America would come up with stupid, new inventions, and then the best invention would win. It was all a ploy on the adult's part to get us thinking. You'd have to fill out this form describing your invention and draw a picture and everything, and then your teacher would send it in – and you'd never hear about it again. It was never a required assignment, so only like a fourth of the class actually made an effort. And on top of that, insightful inventions among even that fourth were few and far between.

Anyway, I can only remember two ideas that won. The one that comes to mind immediately is the peanut butter jar with a lid on both ends. Say goodbye to the work-a-day hassle of scraping the bottom of the jar for those last few cents of nutty deliciousness. And just a stroll down your grocer's isle will reveal the impact that that idea made on our daily life.

Some other year the winning idea was a mailbox with a door on both ends. Makes you wonder if it wasn't just the same kid. I mean, once you've got a winning concept, run with it. A toothpaste tube with a hole at both ends? A mug with a hole at both ends?

I remember one of my inventions that had a lot of ponderous pondering behind it. I drew a picture of a futuristic looking car and turned that in. That's almost as innovative as reformulating a soft drink. (by the way, it's quite obvious that the only sane response to this New 7-Up abomination is for us all to take to the streets until they pull it off the market and give us back the 7-Up America knows and loves; didn't anyone up there learn anything back in 1985?) So, anyway, you can imagine how pissed I was when Ford stole my idea a few years later and came out with the extremely successful Taurus. They still haven't approached me to discuss percentages so I'm reviewing options with my lawyer.

Well, since those days, I've come up with a few ideas that I think are real contenders. And, if I ever found a time machine, you know the first thing I'd do would be to skip back to 1989 and win one of those damned contests.

You know how you lose your radio station when you go under a tunnel? Well, they need to put a box at the end of each tunnel that picks up all the radio signals. Then they should run a wire the length of the tunnel that rebroadcasts the signal. It wouldn't use up that much power because the rebroadcast wouldn't have to have any significant range. It definitely wouldn't use up a significant amount of power in comparison to what the lighting must. And radio transmitters and receivers are some of the most basic of electronic devices, so the piece itself wouldn't cost a thing. Plus, in the end, there's not much that's more annoying than missing forty seconds of All Things Considered.

I think there's something similar to that in the Lincoln tunnel but it's for cell phones, not radio. Those decadent city folks just love to live it large. This way they can confirm their evening's reservation to La Nouvelle Justine from the comfort of their own car, without any worry of a lost signal.

Something else that someone needs start production on is the Poster-Cam. Maybe this'll be the big thing that rescues Kodak from Fuji's supposed icy-cold, death grip. You know those disposable cameras? Well, this would be similar but it would only take one, highly detailed, poster quality shot. After choosing and shooting your own personal poster picture, you'd pen your return address right on the side of the casing and drop it in the nearest mailbox (postage and development are covered in the initial purchase price). Then, within the week, you'd receive a full-sized, personalized poster to adorn your bed or dorm room. Imagine the possibilities! You know you've always used posters to advertise yourself – to let every visitor know just how exciting and unique you are. Well, what better way to do that than with a poster of your own devise!

What image will you choose as your own personal, self-made flag? A 36"x48" of one's own butt leaps immediately into the mind.

So, if anyone out there's got the resources to get one of these ideas off the ground, go for it! I'm not going to be selfish – these ideas are hereby officially public domain. Because, try as I might, one man could never stand between the Poster-Cam and it's destiny.