Have you guys been reading up on all those new impotence drugs? That is, not to imply that you would have any need for them. Or that I would, for that matter. No, the problems with my sex life are far more basic.

At any rate, our friends the urologists have developed a pill that supposedly cleans up the entire problem. It's called Viagra, which seems to be the marketers' attempt at a strongly masculine name. Pfizer is the company that has created this wonder and Wall Street knows the guys are going to eat it up. Pfizer's stock has gone up some 70%.

But it's not this new pill that's amazing. Pills of all shapes and sizes are standard fare. The real fun comes with all the other stuff people have been using for the last few years in the battle against impotence. That interim time, after science figured out exactly what was going on down there but before they managed to package the solution in a cute, little pill.

Of course there was the versatile vacuum pump and the inflatable, saline implant, but that stuff's as old as the 80's. A real 90's man makes use of much more effective and uncomfortable solutions.

For example there is the drug that you inject directly into the base of the penis with a hypodermic needle, moments before sex. And you were complaining about how a condom ruins the mood. One of the listed side effects was sharp pain. I can't imagine.

The other choice you had in the way of impotence drugs comes in the form of a urethral suppository. What exactly does that mean, you may ask? That means you push this tiny pill up your urethra with a small, white wand. Oh, yeah.

However, this stuff doesn't just turn you into Mr. Jones down the street. For your money you become a regular Dirk Diggler. These drug-induced erections are supposed to last for more than two hours. And even after the fact, if you catch my meaning. That's sort of intimidating to those of us who don't plan on jabbing ourselves with needles. But, I predict that superfluous, synthetic, super erections will follow the path of cosmetic breast implants. Everyone will claim to be a purist and au naturel will retain its charm.

This whole bit was a tad juvenile, wasn't it? I really shouldn't make fun of a valid physiological disorder. I mean, impotence isn't about being too much of a schmuck to get it up. It's about cancer and hernia surgery and crappy stuff like that.

So, there's my ending. I hope it made up for the rest, at least in part.